Valentine’s Day. I got my obligatory card from my husband last night.
Sometimes it feels like he doesn’t put forth effort into gifts or gift giving and always grabs something at the very last minute. The Christmas present I got this past Christmas didn’t arrive until January because he waited so long.
I don’t know why I feel like gifts are important. Maybe because I put forth a lot of effort to get him something I’ll know he likes. I don’t know.
Instead of dealing with my feelings I’ll just be passive aggressively bitchy for the next few days. Because that gets something accomplished.
Nothing changes unless we force the change. I have been a passive observer to my life for long enough that I’m embarrassed of it. And sad. I’d like to feel like I’m a victim to circumstance but I created and allowed the situations to continue.
I woke up and said no more once in my life. I was married once before to a tiny man with a Napoleon complex. He derived his joy from controlling the people in his life with emotional terrorism and psychological abuse. I became a shell of myself for far too long during that period. I developed really damaging and unhealthy behavior patterns and coping skills. Toward the end of the marriage, I wished for death just to be away from him.
With that divorce, I thought I’d be free. But my ex-Husband tried to use our children as a weapon and threatened to try to take them from me wherever I didn’t let him have his way. So I went along with whatever he wanted. I was broke, couldn’t afford a lawyer, and afraid. I still had my children the majority of the time because he never actually wanted to have them or take care of them, he just didn’t want me to have them.
Eventually I finished a program for my nursing license, as fast as I could, and I quickly got a lawyer. I had done our whole divorce pro se, and the agreement we had was terrible. I wasn’t allowed to live beyond a 100 mile radius of where little Napoleon was, among other things.
So, I got a lawyer. And I learned quickly that he never actually wanted to spend the money on lawyers or court. By this time, I think he had a girlfriend and wanted to move away. I took advantage of this situation and had my lawyer draft a new custody agreement, far more in my favor, for him to sign. He didn’t even read it. Just signed. Later, he’d realize he had fucked himself. But it’s what he deserved. He terrorized me for far too long.
On another day, I’ll write about my current husband and how I learned to find my voice more, to make my far off dreams a reality, and to stand up for myself at times because of him.
But I’ve also gotten a huge lesson in how the wheel of life just keeps coming around. About how the care taking we did as a child rolls right back around to be the care taking we do as adults. And how we slide back into the role the way we’d slide into a well-worn glove. Ka, as Stephen King’s gunslinger, Roland, called it.
The More Mundane Valentines Things
I got a hair cut and color to celebrate the day, I guess. Mostly it was me using my last bit of energy to get a color that was easier to manage. And bangs. I do that now and then.
My skin is not the best color in this picture. I was at the end of my energy reserves at this point.
I continue to quickly drop weight as I am still unable to hold food, and barely liquids, down. My intestines are still not moving. But, I am not in dangerous territory yet, and I refuse to go to the hospital until I am worried I might die. I’ve had too many poor experiences receiving very little help because they don’t always know how to handle complex cases.
For the rest of Valentines Day, I’m going to cuddle with my 2 year old and we will watch cartoons. That’s something I’d much rather do anyway.